Experiments

In the past few weeks I’ve conducted some experiments in my own behavior to see how they affect the verbal abuse:

1. Try to establish a tiny bit of independence.

2. Don’t respond to respond to abuse; try to keep quiet when it happens.

3. See a counselor.

The results are mixed:

1. Not so good.

2. Better.

3. Not sure yet, but hopeful.

Here’s more about that.

1. Earlier, when I wrote about the tyranny of togetherness, I described how I was trying to take short walks on my own. This worked for a while, because I was doing them when my partner was asleep. As the days got longer, that became more difficult, so I tried announcing my intentions directly, promising that I’d be back soon. I did this once when my partner was just lying down for a nap, and she protested feebly, “Maybe I should come along, too”, but I simply left without caving in. I found out a couple of days ago that this upset her: she said she felt abandoned and alone and invisible. This comment, along with similar other comments she makes when I’m away from home, tells me that I will not be able to succeed in this experiment without some stress and possible abuse.

2. Not trying to defend myself in any way against unfair accusations and abuse has helped somewhat, in that it seems to be preventing the abuse from escalating. A few days ago, a repeat performance of the book-throwing incident seemed to be happening, over the exact same issue (vacation planning). But this time I was prepared and didn’t say anything about why I find this kind of planning so frustrating, and why I feel so powerless and secondary in this relationship. That kept the angry outburst from my partner down to a dull roar and things got calm again very soon. The lesson here is that stuffing my feelings and being agreeable at all times is a practical way to keep the abuse from getting worse. Obviously this is not a good long-term solution; I can’t keep “using my strength against myself” (to borrow a phrase from Patricia Evans) forever.

3. I saw a counselor yesterday after dithering about it for a year. The book-throwing incident, which included my partner throwing a phone book at my feet when I suggested counseling, told me that I needed to keep my counseling visit a secret. This was rather difficult given that my every move is monitored and that I’m only out of the house one day a week, but I managed to do it without causing alarm. The counselor let me rant for a while, then zeroed on what she considered to be the key problem: my fear of my partner. This is certainly a major issue: the angry blasts and numerous threats have terrified me to the point where I am almost completely unable to take care of myself. The counselor agreed with me that I cannot change my partner. I can only hope that managing my fear will help me to respond to the abuse in a more direct way than my current strategy, which is to keep quiet.